Thank you! I don't know any woman writer who isn't constantly having to juggle her devotion to everything else plus writing. The thing is, it's internal---our need to take care of those we love, and our homes and our pets and the groceries, and the school events, and the soccer games, etc. Women care about all those things, and yet there is something so precious about the writing process---a relationship you have with yourself, something you want to say that comes from deep within, or a cast of characters you've invented and a story that takes you into a world only you inhabit. It's compelling and satisfying, but in order to make your writing compete with that, you have to believe in its intrinsic value to you. Sometimes just closing my door doesn't work, because I find that inspiration often comes at odd times---when I've just read a snippet of something in a book or magazine, when I've heard a song, or even in the middle of the night when something wakes me. A precious line or paragraph may come to me that way, and I have to be able to capture it or it's gone. Having a regimented writing time doesn't take that into account. So I find my Notes function on my phone is my best friend in that way. I can dictate or tap out a paragraph and it will hold it for me until I can shut the door and block out everything else. Sometimes late at night I scroll through my notes, and am surprised by them, have forgotten them, and when I read them I think, "Oh...That's good..." But as you said, Brooke, it's an ongoing battle...thanks for writing this!
This is great, Bonnie. I agree with this so much. It's a relationship you have with yourself, and a relationship you have with your creative process. I love the ideas and the practices you share here. Thank you!
"Sometimes just closing my door doesn't work, because I find that inspiration often comes at odd times---when I've just read a snippet of something in a book or magazine, when I've heard a song, or even in the middle of the night when something wakes me. A precious line or paragraph may come to me that way, and I have to be able to capture it or it's gone. Having a regimented writing time doesn't take that into account."
Thanks for this comment. Our processes sound similar. I like what you say about believing in the intrinsic value of our own writing—that’s it. If I can hang onto that, I can make it work.
OMG. I so needed this. I don't have a solution right now but just reading someone who shares that need to be alone to write, gave me such relief. I am not just making excuses. I am not weird. This is real. I am really responding to something honest and real in me and about me. Thank you.
I am going to suggest an alternative path to get in the habit of clearing space for writing. Not so soul searching as writing your book, more hobby like if that is not too quaint. Something like copying your mother's recipes into a book. Or making notes about your children's pictures. Getting in the habit of spending a set bit of time regularly to accomplish such a task, with all of the news casts and such noise off can lead to spending that time on your own writing!
This really hit home for me. Just last night I was with a group of friends, one of whom I used to be in a writing group with. He asked me how my story is coming and I paused and said - realizing as I said this - that I am so distracted by what is going on politically in my home country, America, (I live in Ontario now) that I'm constantly checking the social and the non main stream news on youtube. I feel exhausted by it and I realize this constant checking in is a trauma response of hyper vigilance. It is leaving very little room for the stories that are bubbling away on the back burner and it feels painful, as a form of self betrayal, to be setting aside the beautiful inspirations I have. Perhaps renting a cabin somewhere without Internet is what I need to do. But when it's not the Internet, it's keeping the house clean, doing laundry, cooking, taking care of the garden and so on. I'm thinking prolific writers - or any artists - don't have clean houses and it doesn't matter to them. Although, often doing mundane tasks leaves room for sorting through story ideas, but too often I'm listening to some newsy thing while doing the tasks. AARG! I have been wishing for a "writing room" somewhere out of my house.
Yes, I know this trauma response, Leilah. Good to name it, I suppose. What's happening here and in the world is incredibly upending. It definitely disrupts the creative process. I like that you're processing possibilities here. I want a cabin too! :)
For whatever reason, I've chosen a complicated life: an abundance of friends, career, writing, extensive family, many volunteer involvements, a body that needs to run and hike, a spouse. They all have one thing in common: they each want more of me than I can give. This is the only constant of my life. There will never be enough of me to go around. My coping techniques include my "rule of three" ... that's all I can do in a day. And by that I mean three substantive things. Brushing my teeth doesn't count. I plan that out each morning, and put those three things on a list, with a check box next to them. At times refusing other demands seems cruel. But I do it. Because if I use myself up, I'm no good to anyone. This requires a certain amount of cold-hearted triage. I'm absolutely horrible at it, but I keep shooting for it. When weeks come that I'm derailed and fail, I pull myself kicking and screaming back to the rule of three, and recommit myself to it. Some days writing is one of the three, some days it is not. But at least I know I've made the choice. I'm lucky enough to have a writing room with a door that locks, and I use it. Thanks, Brooks for exploring this, and asking the question. Of my husband, I will say this: When I ask, "Come here a minute," he says, "I will as soon as I finish writing this." When he says, "Come here a minute," I stop what I'm doing and go immediately. I see this as a fundamental difference between the response of men and women. I don't view him as "less responsive." I just think he has better focus and more intentionality.
Great idea. I've never tried this but I'm curious to see what that would look like if I just chose three things... I like it. I don't know your husband so I am not doubting what you say here about him possibly having better focus and more intentionality, but the thought that comes to mind is that women are responsive, attuned to be that way, to cater to others. I don't necessarily believe this innate. I think it's cultural. I think we're raised to be this way from such a young age that it's patterned into who we are. So maybe our own intentionality is about not feeling like we have to jump to respond to everything. I'm aware of NOT trying to fix everything lately. Not an easy habit to break.
I hear you. I like the idea of choosing 3 "major" things to focus on for the day. It is sad that deviating from that, choosing the "wrong" three feels like failure. I appreciate knowing I'm not alone in this! Thank you for sharing.
This is important for us writers to know. I have a certain level of demands I can always deal woth but I remember taking care of my mom, as she descended into full dementia...No writing got done.
I am there right now, taking care of an elder loved one. I beat myself up for not getting the writing done, but there just isn’t the space for it. Most days I don’t get much brain space to myself at all.
I also take care of an elderly mother. At this point she is healthy for 94, reading large print books and supporting my writing. I find the experience of aging creeping into my writing.
Learning that binge writing is ok was such a balm. I’d always beaten myself up for not waking up early and writing everyday. I just couldn’t seem to do it. It’s ok to write in a manner that works for you. What a wonderful revelation!
Thank you for this Brooke. This is exactly what I've been trying to overcome/deal with/change. I'm currently reading Writing Alone and with Others by Pat Schneider and she addresses this at length.
When I wrote what turned out to be my first (and still only) book during 2012-2014, I managed to write mostly at a tiny desk I had set up in my walk in closet. But I realized my husband worked at an office back then and now he works at home. My teen kids were at school. I had predictable hours during the day to focus on writing with almost no distraction. My small glass desk is now in a section of our living room in front of a window. For my interior design work, it's fine but it's not private and exposes me to other house noise from the kitchen, etc. I do write but it's in short spurts because, life. And then I start dusting and cleaning and cooking and before you know it, I haven't written what was in my head.
I've been considering taking my laptop to our small local library in walking distance and getting some peace there. It's only open on certain days and I'd go when I'm not doing my design work or meeting with clients. It takes planning. But plan I must. I have also considered renting a hotel room but that's an expense, especially in my area. I thought about the coffee shop idea but no way could I focus with all that background stuff going on. I have thought about getting in my car with my laptop and driving not to far with a nice view of something.
Just yesterday I tested a new idea - dictating while walking the dog. He likes long walks and it's time I can utilize. Dictating is not at all the same of course and there are still many distractions while walking. I prefer the act of actually writing, which does come even after dictation, going back in to the document to continue. I'm trying that until I figure out something better.
Interesting... the dictating. I know a lot of people who do this. I sometimes can write in a coffee shop with my earphones in, listening to calming music, or music I can write to. It sounds like you're finding some workarounds. Onward to you too!!
Boy, this is a tough one, especially when you’ve been fine tuned to be a caregiver. The pulls and distractions are plenty. Thank you for this Brooke. Thought provoking. Maybe it’s more of a disciplined decision than anything .. at least in my world.
This screams at me! For years I wrote for TV and radio. Went to offices and brought home a pay check. Cut to, I'm writing my own projects, not going to an office, not getting paid, my new family who doesn't know the person who made money writing all those years - they think it's not important or that it's not of value. Things are changing with a book coming out and the reviews I am getting, but it's been a long time coming and why do I need others to validate me and tell me my writing is worthy, right?
This is so me. I look back at my life and conclude that I was conditioned to be a carer. I see differences in my daughter and step-daughter, and think things may be changing for the better for our young women. And one amazing thing is that the people I care for--an autistic 25-year-old, an only-child husband, and an 88-year-old mother--are so kind and supportive. I have asked for mornings to write, and they try their best to give me those hours. But I still am tortured by their challenges, what I can do to help them, how I can live up to some crazy standard. But it's all about love, and sometimes I can access a deeper place when all the chaos is in the mix. And other times, it just crowds my writing out of my mind. I give myself deadlines and hope for the best.
I feel from reading this and other comments the main thing we need to change is how hard we are on ourselves. Maybe this is what younger women are doing better. "Crowds" is a good word, too. Our own needs getting crowded out. Thanks for the comment, Kelly.
My son moved out into his own apartment only for my aging father to move in, and I'm complimented so much by people about what a good daughter I am to take care of my dad and I struggle to focus on my writing. I have stress dreams and literal pain in my neck. And I worry that my worry will bring my cancer back, and all I really want to do is to finish my novels. Bless my dad, he tries not to be a bother but he's here and needs help. I am writing some, but when I have time, I'm tired and distracted by all the other things I've neglected. Oi. A lot of it is my own doing because even if I had a sign that said "writer at work," I wouldn't be able to put it on the door. That's just my own mental hang-up. Thanks for writing this post. Hats off to everyone trying to make the time for themselves.
Gosh, Marta. This sounds like so much on your plate. I'm sending you love and wishes to clear this in some way. Sometimes all there is in these stories is solace that you're not alone in the struggle. Hang in there. ❤️
Yes to all of this. I haven't written anything in years—years!—because I always put everyone else's needs ahead of my own. When I was in graduate school, it was easy to focus on my writing. I was going into a lot of debt to earn my MFA, so writing was a priority; on top of that, I wasn't in a serious relationship at the time, my parents were thousands of miles away so I had no obligations to them (or other family), and I worked an inconsequential part-time job. My writing *was* my work.
Now, none of those things are true anymore. I work as an editor to earn money to pay off my MFA debt (along with all the other bills), so I prioritize my clients and my paid work over my own writing. I'm in a relationship with a chronically ill partner, so that also takes a lot of time and energy. My elderly mother lives locally and I help with her care. By the time all of that is attended to—not to mention the day-to-day time/energy sucks of preparing the meals, taking care of the pets, doing the shopping, paying the bills, and ensuring that we don't live in squalor—there's nothing left to give to my own work, both in terms of time and energy. On those rare occasions when I sit down at my desk because there's nothing else I have to be doing right this second, I can't focus. My mind jumps to the dishes that sit in the sink, the prescription that hasn't been picked up from the pharmacy, the unanswered work emails, the other fifty items on my to-do list.
I've talked to a lot of my [female] MFA classmates about the challenges of balancing writing and everything else. It has been more than fifteen years since we graduated, and most of us are in the same boat. The few who have gone on to publish books or otherwise launch successful writing careers have what I think of as "outlier" lives. They're the ones who have family or spousal money (so they don't have to be employed—writing is still their primary work) OR they don't have partners/parents/kids to care for (so, writing is at least their secondary work even if it's not their occupation). I love my editing work and I love my family; I wouldn't trade them away to gain writing time. At the same time, I feel a void because I'm not writing.
Something has to give so I can write again—but what? The bills won't pay themselves, my partner isn't magically going to get well, and my mom has another 10+ years ahead of her unless something drastically changes. Given that conditions aren't going to change so that I suddenly have fewer obligations, oodles of time, and a nonexistent to-do list, what is the solution?
I don't know the answer, but reading this post is comforting. Reading the comments is even more comforting. It's nice to have further reinforcement that I'm not alone in this struggle. Knowing that helps immensely.
Clearly it's all just so relatable... I'm seeing that from this comment, from all the comments. It's so very hard to put ourselves first, first of all, but then on top of that our creative pursuits ahead of things that make money, things that other people see as *worthy.* Thank you for this, Signe.
Great subject, Brooke. Over the years, I needed to attend to my children's needs---one requiring special attention. Writing was an escape, but always filled with distraction and my mind was on an alarm mode: "What if they need me and things can get out of control?" As a memoir writer, I joked about it even to my kids. "My cast never leave me alone."
This is such a great post. Like Julie, I wonder if men have the same view of writing while other chores and responsibilities exist. Women tend to have that conditioning of being on top of home, family, and work (writing or other) simultaneously.
I’m single and childless, although for the 13 years of my dog’s life, I only wrote during November for NaNoWriMo. It didn’t feel like a sacrifice because I preferred hiking and playing with him over writing and I knew our time was limited to a decade +-. But after he died last year, I immediately wrote a book about him, then 3 other books in various stages of publishing/editing/just-for-fun. So maybe I was sacrificing more than I realized? When I adopt another dog, will my writing fall back again?
Lots to think about. Thanks for this thoughtful piece.
Dogs require a lot of attention, just like kids for sure. Maybe adopting an older dog? Food for thought. My 12-year-old golden likes to lie at my feet. But even still, I feel guilty(!) when I don't get her out. It never stops. ❤️❤️
Wow- what a great piece! Your words were immediately resonant as I am a mother to four who spent many years trying to attend to the needs of others WHILE being in creative flow- making things with my kids. Encouraging them to write, knit, paint.
But it was never the same as being totally away from their needs-I've always said my best writing came when I knew their cup was being truly filled (usually by a babysitter!) so reading these words is affirming.
Thank you! I don't know any woman writer who isn't constantly having to juggle her devotion to everything else plus writing. The thing is, it's internal---our need to take care of those we love, and our homes and our pets and the groceries, and the school events, and the soccer games, etc. Women care about all those things, and yet there is something so precious about the writing process---a relationship you have with yourself, something you want to say that comes from deep within, or a cast of characters you've invented and a story that takes you into a world only you inhabit. It's compelling and satisfying, but in order to make your writing compete with that, you have to believe in its intrinsic value to you. Sometimes just closing my door doesn't work, because I find that inspiration often comes at odd times---when I've just read a snippet of something in a book or magazine, when I've heard a song, or even in the middle of the night when something wakes me. A precious line or paragraph may come to me that way, and I have to be able to capture it or it's gone. Having a regimented writing time doesn't take that into account. So I find my Notes function on my phone is my best friend in that way. I can dictate or tap out a paragraph and it will hold it for me until I can shut the door and block out everything else. Sometimes late at night I scroll through my notes, and am surprised by them, have forgotten them, and when I read them I think, "Oh...That's good..." But as you said, Brooke, it's an ongoing battle...thanks for writing this!
This is great, Bonnie. I agree with this so much. It's a relationship you have with yourself, and a relationship you have with your creative process. I love the ideas and the practices you share here. Thank you!
Totally agree!
"Sometimes just closing my door doesn't work, because I find that inspiration often comes at odd times---when I've just read a snippet of something in a book or magazine, when I've heard a song, or even in the middle of the night when something wakes me. A precious line or paragraph may come to me that way, and I have to be able to capture it or it's gone. Having a regimented writing time doesn't take that into account."
Thanks for this comment. Our processes sound similar. I like what you say about believing in the intrinsic value of our own writing—that’s it. If I can hang onto that, I can make it work.
Hi Andrea. I looked up your work. Inspiring, hopeful, and impressive. Thanks for your comment!
OMG. I so needed this. I don't have a solution right now but just reading someone who shares that need to be alone to write, gave me such relief. I am not just making excuses. I am not weird. This is real. I am really responding to something honest and real in me and about me. Thank you.
Happy to hear that, June. You are definitely not alone!
I am going to suggest an alternative path to get in the habit of clearing space for writing. Not so soul searching as writing your book, more hobby like if that is not too quaint. Something like copying your mother's recipes into a book. Or making notes about your children's pictures. Getting in the habit of spending a set bit of time regularly to accomplish such a task, with all of the news casts and such noise off can lead to spending that time on your own writing!
Thank you for this, Sandy! I like it.
This really hit home for me. Just last night I was with a group of friends, one of whom I used to be in a writing group with. He asked me how my story is coming and I paused and said - realizing as I said this - that I am so distracted by what is going on politically in my home country, America, (I live in Ontario now) that I'm constantly checking the social and the non main stream news on youtube. I feel exhausted by it and I realize this constant checking in is a trauma response of hyper vigilance. It is leaving very little room for the stories that are bubbling away on the back burner and it feels painful, as a form of self betrayal, to be setting aside the beautiful inspirations I have. Perhaps renting a cabin somewhere without Internet is what I need to do. But when it's not the Internet, it's keeping the house clean, doing laundry, cooking, taking care of the garden and so on. I'm thinking prolific writers - or any artists - don't have clean houses and it doesn't matter to them. Although, often doing mundane tasks leaves room for sorting through story ideas, but too often I'm listening to some newsy thing while doing the tasks. AARG! I have been wishing for a "writing room" somewhere out of my house.
Yes, I know this trauma response, Leilah. Good to name it, I suppose. What's happening here and in the world is incredibly upending. It definitely disrupts the creative process. I like that you're processing possibilities here. I want a cabin too! :)
For whatever reason, I've chosen a complicated life: an abundance of friends, career, writing, extensive family, many volunteer involvements, a body that needs to run and hike, a spouse. They all have one thing in common: they each want more of me than I can give. This is the only constant of my life. There will never be enough of me to go around. My coping techniques include my "rule of three" ... that's all I can do in a day. And by that I mean three substantive things. Brushing my teeth doesn't count. I plan that out each morning, and put those three things on a list, with a check box next to them. At times refusing other demands seems cruel. But I do it. Because if I use myself up, I'm no good to anyone. This requires a certain amount of cold-hearted triage. I'm absolutely horrible at it, but I keep shooting for it. When weeks come that I'm derailed and fail, I pull myself kicking and screaming back to the rule of three, and recommit myself to it. Some days writing is one of the three, some days it is not. But at least I know I've made the choice. I'm lucky enough to have a writing room with a door that locks, and I use it. Thanks, Brooks for exploring this, and asking the question. Of my husband, I will say this: When I ask, "Come here a minute," he says, "I will as soon as I finish writing this." When he says, "Come here a minute," I stop what I'm doing and go immediately. I see this as a fundamental difference between the response of men and women. I don't view him as "less responsive." I just think he has better focus and more intentionality.
Great idea. I've never tried this but I'm curious to see what that would look like if I just chose three things... I like it. I don't know your husband so I am not doubting what you say here about him possibly having better focus and more intentionality, but the thought that comes to mind is that women are responsive, attuned to be that way, to cater to others. I don't necessarily believe this innate. I think it's cultural. I think we're raised to be this way from such a young age that it's patterned into who we are. So maybe our own intentionality is about not feeling like we have to jump to respond to everything. I'm aware of NOT trying to fix everything lately. Not an easy habit to break.
I hear you. I like the idea of choosing 3 "major" things to focus on for the day. It is sad that deviating from that, choosing the "wrong" three feels like failure. I appreciate knowing I'm not alone in this! Thank you for sharing.
This is important for us writers to know. I have a certain level of demands I can always deal woth but I remember taking care of my mom, as she descended into full dementia...No writing got done.
❤️ Some things are more important, and especially if they're finite. Thanks for sharing this, Jennifer.
I am there right now, taking care of an elder loved one. I beat myself up for not getting the writing done, but there just isn’t the space for it. Most days I don’t get much brain space to myself at all.
I also take care of an elderly mother. At this point she is healthy for 94, reading large print books and supporting my writing. I find the experience of aging creeping into my writing.
Learning that binge writing is ok was such a balm. I’d always beaten myself up for not waking up early and writing everyday. I just couldn’t seem to do it. It’s ok to write in a manner that works for you. What a wonderful revelation!
So good to see you last night, Robin!
Thank you for this Brooke. This is exactly what I've been trying to overcome/deal with/change. I'm currently reading Writing Alone and with Others by Pat Schneider and she addresses this at length.
When I wrote what turned out to be my first (and still only) book during 2012-2014, I managed to write mostly at a tiny desk I had set up in my walk in closet. But I realized my husband worked at an office back then and now he works at home. My teen kids were at school. I had predictable hours during the day to focus on writing with almost no distraction. My small glass desk is now in a section of our living room in front of a window. For my interior design work, it's fine but it's not private and exposes me to other house noise from the kitchen, etc. I do write but it's in short spurts because, life. And then I start dusting and cleaning and cooking and before you know it, I haven't written what was in my head.
I've been considering taking my laptop to our small local library in walking distance and getting some peace there. It's only open on certain days and I'd go when I'm not doing my design work or meeting with clients. It takes planning. But plan I must. I have also considered renting a hotel room but that's an expense, especially in my area. I thought about the coffee shop idea but no way could I focus with all that background stuff going on. I have thought about getting in my car with my laptop and driving not to far with a nice view of something.
Just yesterday I tested a new idea - dictating while walking the dog. He likes long walks and it's time I can utilize. Dictating is not at all the same of course and there are still many distractions while walking. I prefer the act of actually writing, which does come even after dictation, going back in to the document to continue. I'm trying that until I figure out something better.
Onward. Thank you again.
Interesting... the dictating. I know a lot of people who do this. I sometimes can write in a coffee shop with my earphones in, listening to calming music, or music I can write to. It sounds like you're finding some workarounds. Onward to you too!!
Boy, this is a tough one, especially when you’ve been fine tuned to be a caregiver. The pulls and distractions are plenty. Thank you for this Brooke. Thought provoking. Maybe it’s more of a disciplined decision than anything .. at least in my world.
This screams at me! For years I wrote for TV and radio. Went to offices and brought home a pay check. Cut to, I'm writing my own projects, not going to an office, not getting paid, my new family who doesn't know the person who made money writing all those years - they think it's not important or that it's not of value. Things are changing with a book coming out and the reviews I am getting, but it's been a long time coming and why do I need others to validate me and tell me my writing is worthy, right?
Right!? Your writing is soooooooooooooooo worthy. ❤️
This is so me. I look back at my life and conclude that I was conditioned to be a carer. I see differences in my daughter and step-daughter, and think things may be changing for the better for our young women. And one amazing thing is that the people I care for--an autistic 25-year-old, an only-child husband, and an 88-year-old mother--are so kind and supportive. I have asked for mornings to write, and they try their best to give me those hours. But I still am tortured by their challenges, what I can do to help them, how I can live up to some crazy standard. But it's all about love, and sometimes I can access a deeper place when all the chaos is in the mix. And other times, it just crowds my writing out of my mind. I give myself deadlines and hope for the best.
I feel from reading this and other comments the main thing we need to change is how hard we are on ourselves. Maybe this is what younger women are doing better. "Crowds" is a good word, too. Our own needs getting crowded out. Thanks for the comment, Kelly.
My son moved out into his own apartment only for my aging father to move in, and I'm complimented so much by people about what a good daughter I am to take care of my dad and I struggle to focus on my writing. I have stress dreams and literal pain in my neck. And I worry that my worry will bring my cancer back, and all I really want to do is to finish my novels. Bless my dad, he tries not to be a bother but he's here and needs help. I am writing some, but when I have time, I'm tired and distracted by all the other things I've neglected. Oi. A lot of it is my own doing because even if I had a sign that said "writer at work," I wouldn't be able to put it on the door. That's just my own mental hang-up. Thanks for writing this post. Hats off to everyone trying to make the time for themselves.
Gosh, Marta. This sounds like so much on your plate. I'm sending you love and wishes to clear this in some way. Sometimes all there is in these stories is solace that you're not alone in the struggle. Hang in there. ❤️
Yes to all of this. I haven't written anything in years—years!—because I always put everyone else's needs ahead of my own. When I was in graduate school, it was easy to focus on my writing. I was going into a lot of debt to earn my MFA, so writing was a priority; on top of that, I wasn't in a serious relationship at the time, my parents were thousands of miles away so I had no obligations to them (or other family), and I worked an inconsequential part-time job. My writing *was* my work.
Now, none of those things are true anymore. I work as an editor to earn money to pay off my MFA debt (along with all the other bills), so I prioritize my clients and my paid work over my own writing. I'm in a relationship with a chronically ill partner, so that also takes a lot of time and energy. My elderly mother lives locally and I help with her care. By the time all of that is attended to—not to mention the day-to-day time/energy sucks of preparing the meals, taking care of the pets, doing the shopping, paying the bills, and ensuring that we don't live in squalor—there's nothing left to give to my own work, both in terms of time and energy. On those rare occasions when I sit down at my desk because there's nothing else I have to be doing right this second, I can't focus. My mind jumps to the dishes that sit in the sink, the prescription that hasn't been picked up from the pharmacy, the unanswered work emails, the other fifty items on my to-do list.
I've talked to a lot of my [female] MFA classmates about the challenges of balancing writing and everything else. It has been more than fifteen years since we graduated, and most of us are in the same boat. The few who have gone on to publish books or otherwise launch successful writing careers have what I think of as "outlier" lives. They're the ones who have family or spousal money (so they don't have to be employed—writing is still their primary work) OR they don't have partners/parents/kids to care for (so, writing is at least their secondary work even if it's not their occupation). I love my editing work and I love my family; I wouldn't trade them away to gain writing time. At the same time, I feel a void because I'm not writing.
Something has to give so I can write again—but what? The bills won't pay themselves, my partner isn't magically going to get well, and my mom has another 10+ years ahead of her unless something drastically changes. Given that conditions aren't going to change so that I suddenly have fewer obligations, oodles of time, and a nonexistent to-do list, what is the solution?
I don't know the answer, but reading this post is comforting. Reading the comments is even more comforting. It's nice to have further reinforcement that I'm not alone in this struggle. Knowing that helps immensely.
Clearly it's all just so relatable... I'm seeing that from this comment, from all the comments. It's so very hard to put ourselves first, first of all, but then on top of that our creative pursuits ahead of things that make money, things that other people see as *worthy.* Thank you for this, Signe.
Great subject, Brooke. Over the years, I needed to attend to my children's needs---one requiring special attention. Writing was an escape, but always filled with distraction and my mind was on an alarm mode: "What if they need me and things can get out of control?" As a memoir writer, I joked about it even to my kids. "My cast never leave me alone."
This is such a great post. Like Julie, I wonder if men have the same view of writing while other chores and responsibilities exist. Women tend to have that conditioning of being on top of home, family, and work (writing or other) simultaneously.
I’m single and childless, although for the 13 years of my dog’s life, I only wrote during November for NaNoWriMo. It didn’t feel like a sacrifice because I preferred hiking and playing with him over writing and I knew our time was limited to a decade +-. But after he died last year, I immediately wrote a book about him, then 3 other books in various stages of publishing/editing/just-for-fun. So maybe I was sacrificing more than I realized? When I adopt another dog, will my writing fall back again?
Lots to think about. Thanks for this thoughtful piece.
Dogs require a lot of attention, just like kids for sure. Maybe adopting an older dog? Food for thought. My 12-year-old golden likes to lie at my feet. But even still, I feel guilty(!) when I don't get her out. It never stops. ❤️❤️
Wow- what a great piece! Your words were immediately resonant as I am a mother to four who spent many years trying to attend to the needs of others WHILE being in creative flow- making things with my kids. Encouraging them to write, knit, paint.
But it was never the same as being totally away from their needs-I've always said my best writing came when I knew their cup was being truly filled (usually by a babysitter!) so reading these words is affirming.
Thank you.
So glad. Thank you too!