I love you. I love your heart & your truth and your irrefutable fierce power. Thank you for continuing to inspire us… always. As you know, my brother & I were already estranged when Marrying George Clooney came out - was published - but his ugliness & cruelty was amplified by my memoir. He bombarded me with hate. The saying goes: The truth hurts.. my truth triggered his cruelty; but another saying is much more powerful: it sets us free.
Hi Brooke, this resonates with me so deeply. My son is 12 and going into 7th grade this fall. I have been publishing the first draft of my memoir in progress since March 2024 and there's no way I want him to read it. My story details the ways I tried to fill the void in my life after my husband died from cancer in August 2021. I have sexual content behind a paywall and I don't use my legal last name. Still, I am more scared of his friends finding out.
That said, I advocate to end the stigma around female sexuality and pleasure, especially in midlife (I will be 57 this month). I have an Instagram creator account that cannot be made private which has photos I've taken of myself in bikinis and lingerie. Again, I don't use my legal last name, but I know that one day people in my son's circle will find out. It's difficult to walk the line between protecting my son from a culture that demonizes women's bodies, and being true to a cause I feel passionate about.
Of course I don't want my son to suffer negative consequences from my actions, but if I stay quiet until he graduates high school, I feel like I'm living a lie. I advocate publicly for sex workers rights, and had an OnlyFans account for a short time. I feel like I am fighting against the right's puritanical moral agenda and 2nd and 3rd wave liberal feminists who see sex work as a tool of the patriarchy.
I believe in full decriminalization and destigmatization because sex work is work, deserving of employment protections and human rights just like any other job. I am at a crossroads because as a single parent with no other family, my son is my first priority. He's twice exceptional, meaning he has a disability (asd) but is also gifted academically.
In any case, I don't want to feel like a bad mom because I put my needs first (I know how I feel is under my control, but the mom guilt is real). I also feel an urgency having witnessed my husband's death at 53 after living 3 yrs with incurable cancer. I have my own trauma to contend with, but I feel my story will resonate with not only widows, but women in our 40s, 50s, 60s+. The body reclamation movement is now, and I want to be at the forefront of it.
So many considerations. I feel you on the need to end the stigmas—and that's also why I admire these writers who go for it. We have a lot to weigh as parents when we're considering the how and the what. Here with you in solidarity, and I feel like we each need to look at the terrain ahead of us and make the decisions we can best make. People will judge, and to them I say—fuck off. The only thing I care about is how I feel about my son, not what other people think about my journey. The memoir haters are out there and they're not going anywhere. I'm glad you're doing this work!!
Thank you for your authenticity here. As teachers, we're always learning new things too. How to talk about the fears and real life issues with students. How to encourage people to write and keep writing, even if publication seems like a barrier. The important thing is to write our truths and learn about ourselves in new ways. To find the universal in our personal stories and invite our creative expression into our daily lives. I'm sure you have experienced growth and learning as you write, and will continue to learn from writing and teaching memoir. Love doing it with you!
I’ve been grappling with these questions for a year since quitting my job and deciding to finally write my story. The fear of how those closest to me and those who have been supporting characters in my story will react to what is, at heart, my own selfish truth is terrifying. I needed to hear this. Thanks for your words of encouragement and may you find the words to finish your story. 🤓❤️🍀
I waited until everyone in the prior generation was dead to publish my memoir. It does ease the mind a good bit. It took 15 years to complete it, which I don't recommend. However, it takes time to process things, and I think those years were helpful in putting everything into proper perspective. Time really is your friend in this regard.
Brooke, Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your solution. It makes total sense to protect your son. He is the number one person to think about.
I wrote my first memoir after my parents had both died. But my brother was still here. I wrote about leaving our family religion that we had dedicated our lives to. I showed him the manuscript first. I asked him if there was anything he'd like me to take out. There were only three things, and I was happy to comply, since he is still in the religion. He read it and is ok with it. Other relatives have not read it. And that's ok. But now that I'm writing my 2nd memoir and am going into more detail, I'm getting nervous about my brother, again. We are close, in spite of our differences, so don't want to antagonize yet again. But it will happen if I publish it. It's taken me three years and I probably have another three to complete it. I'm just slowly writing. I'll assess at the end . We are in our 70's, so I want to get it done. But, such a this/and.
I enjoy your courses. Have taken the Annie Ernaux one, memoir changing one, and some others. Thanks for your kindness in dealing with us. It makes writing less scary! Also love your weekly podcast.
Just slowly writing... that resonates. Thank you, Peggy. I recognize you and your name and appreciate the comment, and the class and podcast connections. Thank you! And good luck with this book-in-progress. I'm right here with you.
This post resonates as I went through the same challenging discernment. Do I publish Poetic License while my father is still alive or do I wait. It helped that on early submission from my two agents it didn't get picked up. That was a message, though mostly about the state of the written story as it was then. In the end, I chose to wait, which meant it took 20 years from start to finish, but when it came out, I not only felt free of my story, but also free of whatever unintended consequences could have come if I hadn't waited. For most of us the experience for our kids is even more of concern than our parents and it feels sound to wait, but keep writing! As you know well, that waiting brought me to you and SWP and to a almost entirely positive reception. A great post Brooke!
An extraordinary story Gretchen. I guessed 8-10 yers. But detailing your research, in this and the historical memoir of searching for the truth of your grandfather’s legacy, including that has been a help to me.
I’m following in your wake, have been for a decade.
Wow… This post spoke to me on so many different levels. I’m going through this same thing with my own manuscript, which has been largely written for over a decade and has had minimal additions since then as I’m waiting… waiting for ever-changing variables until it feels right.
Thank you for sharing this, and for the accountability group. It has given me the time and space to work on some more complex edits, and to explore other writing projects that have been in the background. I wonder how many authors publish other works in the meantime while they are waiting for the right time for their more sensitive manuscript?
Good question. I'm definitely going to turn my attention to another book to get something published between now and five years. And I'm so glad you're in the group, Katie. It's been great to see you there, and to meet you in B'ham!
It took about twenty years for me to start writing my memoir, set in 1989 and 1990. It took another ten to really get serious writing it. Honeymoon at Sea was published in 2023 and I'm so proud of it; the reception has been lovely and affirming. The proof is in the pudding, is what I'm saying. Write on Brooke!
Wow Brooke, this just hit me to the core!! As you know, it has took me close to 17 years to begin writing about being assaulted and raped by a stranger in the middle of the day on a city street. I have been writing for about 18 months as the health ramifications of getting it all on paper has been nonstop. When I tell people close to me I am writing about the "incident," the first thing they ask is, "What about your daughter? I thought she didn't know about it?" My daughter was born two years after the rape. My husband and I decided there was no reason for her to know what happened that day. It would be too traumatizing. With that said, like you Brooke, I am not sure my child will ever want to read "Mom's boring book," but she may have friends that will. Even with that, we knew that by the time I finished it and somehow got it published, she would probably by out of college and starting her own life. At that point, possibly able to handle the news.
The reason for my comment today is that, ironically, after keeping the story hidden from her for 16 years, while I was vacuuming her room last weekend, I discovered a folded up piece of paper that said "Questions for Mom". Specific questions asking "Was she raped?" "Was she dragged into a garage and beaten?" "Why has she not told me this? "Why is she lying to me?" Is this why she hates violent movies?" "Who else knows?" and many more.... (BTW- we think she found my mind map I made last fall for the memoir class. )
I was devastated and have been ever since finding the paper. My husband and I have been talking about what to do every night this week. I even had an emergency session with my therapist. Needless to say, I have yet to talk to her about it. My relationship with my daughter has always been free of the knowledge and trauma of that day. By telling her, that separation no longer exists. No matter what I say and how I say it to her, our relationship will be changed forever. I am hoping it will be stronger than it already is. Surprisingly, she has been connected to my by the hip for the last few weeks. Now I know why.
I can go on and on about what I should do and what I will do but in the end, protecting my child comes first. When I do talk with her - and yes, I know I cannot put it off any longer - I will give her the rated G version. This unplanned revelation by her has led me to reconsider how I want to write my memoir. I am not sure how it will change but I know I must still share my story but not at the expensive of my daughter.
Ok, I am suppose to be writing in your accountability class right now so I will stop there. Thank you again for your post. It really makes me realize I am not alone with the fear of how our stories will impact our young adult children.
Wow, Amy. This is a big thing you're going through—the living of the journey of your story now that I'm talking about. I wish you the very best with all that's unfolding, and I hope that you will be able to have the best conversation with her and the best outcome for both of you. Maybe whatever comes of it will get woven into your story. Sending you strength and love. And yes, your comment counts as writing! Lol. :)
I’ve grappled with the feeling of procrastination. The world tells us we’re procrastinating, but truly the muse in us knows about the timing of creative process. If I would have finished my memoir years earlier I do not think it would’ve have been as empowering. I needed to sift through some of my own struggles for the story to land. I’m finally working on a structure that feels softer, more palatable and easier to digest through some of the trauma. All to say- go gentle with yourself. You’ll tell your story and your son and his future loves will be ready.
Thank you for your share. Nice to hear we are all on a similar, and different path.
Brooke, thank you so much for sharing this memoir journey you're on. I had no idea you too were struggling with when and how much to put out into the world. After ten years of writing it, I finally finished my memoir about my complicated marriage to the husband I adored who sadly died 14 years ago. I started writing it as a way of processing grief, but what eventually emerged on the page was the dark side of our sexual conflicts, and my anger about it. When I shared my rough draft with a few people who knew us, some said, "Why would you want to expose this?" and they felt some loyalty to him and desire to protect him. We loved each other dearly, and yet in some ways his imposing his desires on me was damaging to me. It's only now that I've gotten up the courage to send it out into the world, in hopes that as I take responsibility for my own role in our conflicts, and my shame for not standing up more bravely to him, some other women may find it resonates with them---how much we're still trained to please, how hard we find it to disappoint someone we love, and how hidden ideas we have about our bodies still plague us. I am hoping that the value of putting that out into the world outweighs how people might judge him or me, but I do so with trepidation. Thank you so much for sharing your own journey with this, and for agreeing to publish my book! xoxo
I think the value of what you're doing will absolutely outweigh what people think. Those naysayers often land more heavily, more loudly. We have to listen for the voices and reactions of those our stories serve. Hope to help you do that, Bonnie!
Thank you for this post, Brooke. I think two competing forces that are relevant to any genre of writing, but especially memoir, are the need for patience and the need to move forward. I struggle with patience more than the need to move forward (I actually just wrote about this last week), but I can also see how, as I near completion of my project, it becomes easier to contrive reasons to slow down. A part of this is my fear of failure. I care deeply about my story (as I’m sure any memoirist does), and I know I’ll only get one shot at querying and I don’t want to mess that up. If I’m being honest, an additional reason is the fact that I’m still very much in contact with one of the people I write about in my memoir, my father, and I fear reprisal if I write about choices he’s made that have irrevocably altered my life. Ironically, my continuing to write is a byproduct of the hope I have that he’s changed and my active practice of forgiveness. Sadly, I do sense that there will be consequences to our relationship if I should be so lucky to publish my work. One way I’ve worked on mitigating this is by getting more training (I’m a therapist and have started, in the course of revising my book, to work toward specific trauma certifications centered on the abuse I experienced). I have also focused on honing my craft as I have spent the majority of my life healing from multiple traumas, and what I want to be known for isn’t what I went through, but instead, how I moved forward (developing myself as a therapist and writer is part of that). I don’t think there are easy answers. I am an adoptee myself, have met and asked Susan about this specific issue — and was pleased to hear her address it on the podcast. This is just to say that I think what you’re talking about is, of course, incredibly complicated, especially for those of us memoirists with trauma.
Thanks for this beautiful response. There's so much here, and you're right—there aren't easy answers. My trauma is second-hand, but it's very much a family story that impacts me, my ex, my son, and I grapple with all of that, as I hear you saying you do too. I have heard lots of people share that it's worth it, and I know people who've said it's not. So all we can do is walk it and listen to ourselves. Thanks for being on the journey with me.
I'm glad that more and better writing is coming out about trauma (first and secondhand). At the same time, I get frustrated that there isn't more support in publishing for people like me who find themselves trying to enter the literary world with their story and no MFA or background in writing. Glad to be grappling with you on these questions. As a clinical social worker, the place I go is, who are we not hearing from as a result of the complexities that writing a memoir entails.
Yes, much more is coming out. I'm not sure the publishing industry is a support on this front per se, but perhaps it's enough that publishers exist as the mechanisms to get the stories out—and we writers do the work of supporting others by telling our own stories. This is one of the ways I see it, anyway.
I think this one might be my favorite piece of your writing. You are a large entity in this writing/publishing/memoir world but you are still just one of us. Your vulnerability helps me/us realize that all my/our hopes/fears/dreams/obstacles doesn't take away from our legitimacy. In fact it actually makes us what we all want to be able to call ourselves: writer's.
I've been working on my memoir for four and a half years. After years of multiple writing and feedback workshops, writing groups and craft classes, I found a great book coach last year and felt like I was finally rounding the curve towards completion and an agent proposal. Then, in the fall of 2023, my mom's health began a rapid, steady decline and I found myself unable to continue working on my memoir as I became her caretaker. She passed away three months ago, and everything I write, especially the parts about our relationship, is painted with the colors of this new version of myself. I was never worried what Mom would have thought of my book; she was proud of me and encouraged all of my artistic endeavors since I was young. Knowing she will never read it carries its own sadness, but is also a reminder that time waits for no one. I've been grateful for your accountability group because its helped me continue to work towards my memior's completion, raw emotions be damned!! Sometimes its just too hard, and so I back off and go for a walk or whatever. Take my time and cook a nice dinner for my family. But mostly I just feel Mom with me, holding my hand and pushing me through the hard stuff.
Thank you for this, Christa. I can see this both-sides piece, and I'm so happy to have you in the group. Love your presence there, and I'm happy to know more of your journey.
Sorry about losing your mom. 🙏 Been there, too. That can really change our perspective. She'll be with you and all of this will continue to shape your story. Rooting for you!
I feel all of this. My memoir is about my long-fractured family + my efforts (and misbeliefs) to bring it back together. Everyone is still alive. As I forge my way through a draft, I have no idea what their response will be. I've decided to keep going. Thanks for putting this one out on the laundry line, Brooke.
I love you. I love your heart & your truth and your irrefutable fierce power. Thank you for continuing to inspire us… always. As you know, my brother & I were already estranged when Marrying George Clooney came out - was published - but his ugliness & cruelty was amplified by my memoir. He bombarded me with hate. The saying goes: The truth hurts.. my truth triggered his cruelty; but another saying is much more powerful: it sets us free.
Memoir absolutely sets us free. Thanks for sharing this hard story, Amy. You are one of the bravest people I know.
Hi Brooke, this resonates with me so deeply. My son is 12 and going into 7th grade this fall. I have been publishing the first draft of my memoir in progress since March 2024 and there's no way I want him to read it. My story details the ways I tried to fill the void in my life after my husband died from cancer in August 2021. I have sexual content behind a paywall and I don't use my legal last name. Still, I am more scared of his friends finding out.
That said, I advocate to end the stigma around female sexuality and pleasure, especially in midlife (I will be 57 this month). I have an Instagram creator account that cannot be made private which has photos I've taken of myself in bikinis and lingerie. Again, I don't use my legal last name, but I know that one day people in my son's circle will find out. It's difficult to walk the line between protecting my son from a culture that demonizes women's bodies, and being true to a cause I feel passionate about.
Of course I don't want my son to suffer negative consequences from my actions, but if I stay quiet until he graduates high school, I feel like I'm living a lie. I advocate publicly for sex workers rights, and had an OnlyFans account for a short time. I feel like I am fighting against the right's puritanical moral agenda and 2nd and 3rd wave liberal feminists who see sex work as a tool of the patriarchy.
I believe in full decriminalization and destigmatization because sex work is work, deserving of employment protections and human rights just like any other job. I am at a crossroads because as a single parent with no other family, my son is my first priority. He's twice exceptional, meaning he has a disability (asd) but is also gifted academically.
In any case, I don't want to feel like a bad mom because I put my needs first (I know how I feel is under my control, but the mom guilt is real). I also feel an urgency having witnessed my husband's death at 53 after living 3 yrs with incurable cancer. I have my own trauma to contend with, but I feel my story will resonate with not only widows, but women in our 40s, 50s, 60s+. The body reclamation movement is now, and I want to be at the forefront of it.
So many considerations. I feel you on the need to end the stigmas—and that's also why I admire these writers who go for it. We have a lot to weigh as parents when we're considering the how and the what. Here with you in solidarity, and I feel like we each need to look at the terrain ahead of us and make the decisions we can best make. People will judge, and to them I say—fuck off. The only thing I care about is how I feel about my son, not what other people think about my journey. The memoir haters are out there and they're not going anywhere. I'm glad you're doing this work!!
Thank you Brooke.
Thank you for your authenticity here. As teachers, we're always learning new things too. How to talk about the fears and real life issues with students. How to encourage people to write and keep writing, even if publication seems like a barrier. The important thing is to write our truths and learn about ourselves in new ways. To find the universal in our personal stories and invite our creative expression into our daily lives. I'm sure you have experienced growth and learning as you write, and will continue to learn from writing and teaching memoir. Love doing it with you!
Love doing what we do with you too!
I’ve been grappling with these questions for a year since quitting my job and deciding to finally write my story. The fear of how those closest to me and those who have been supporting characters in my story will react to what is, at heart, my own selfish truth is terrifying. I needed to hear this. Thanks for your words of encouragement and may you find the words to finish your story. 🤓❤️🍀
Thank you and good luck with all of it, Ryan. I know it's a process, and selfish truth is okay, healing, and often necessary.
I waited until everyone in the prior generation was dead to publish my memoir. It does ease the mind a good bit. It took 15 years to complete it, which I don't recommend. However, it takes time to process things, and I think those years were helpful in putting everything into proper perspective. Time really is your friend in this regard.
Brooke, Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your solution. It makes total sense to protect your son. He is the number one person to think about.
I wrote my first memoir after my parents had both died. But my brother was still here. I wrote about leaving our family religion that we had dedicated our lives to. I showed him the manuscript first. I asked him if there was anything he'd like me to take out. There were only three things, and I was happy to comply, since he is still in the religion. He read it and is ok with it. Other relatives have not read it. And that's ok. But now that I'm writing my 2nd memoir and am going into more detail, I'm getting nervous about my brother, again. We are close, in spite of our differences, so don't want to antagonize yet again. But it will happen if I publish it. It's taken me three years and I probably have another three to complete it. I'm just slowly writing. I'll assess at the end . We are in our 70's, so I want to get it done. But, such a this/and.
I enjoy your courses. Have taken the Annie Ernaux one, memoir changing one, and some others. Thanks for your kindness in dealing with us. It makes writing less scary! Also love your weekly podcast.
Just slowly writing... that resonates. Thank you, Peggy. I recognize you and your name and appreciate the comment, and the class and podcast connections. Thank you! And good luck with this book-in-progress. I'm right here with you.
This post resonates as I went through the same challenging discernment. Do I publish Poetic License while my father is still alive or do I wait. It helped that on early submission from my two agents it didn't get picked up. That was a message, though mostly about the state of the written story as it was then. In the end, I chose to wait, which meant it took 20 years from start to finish, but when it came out, I not only felt free of my story, but also free of whatever unintended consequences could have come if I hadn't waited. For most of us the experience for our kids is even more of concern than our parents and it feels sound to wait, but keep writing! As you know well, that waiting brought me to you and SWP and to a almost entirely positive reception. A great post Brooke!
Thank you, Gretchen. So happy to have your story in the mix here given all that you put on the line. ❤️
Twenty years! And that book is so good it could not have come any sooner. Good things take time! You're an inspiration.
Thanks Jill, that means a lot!
An extraordinary story Gretchen. I guessed 8-10 yers. But detailing your research, in this and the historical memoir of searching for the truth of your grandfather’s legacy, including that has been a help to me.
I’m following in your wake, have been for a decade.
Thank you.
Wow… This post spoke to me on so many different levels. I’m going through this same thing with my own manuscript, which has been largely written for over a decade and has had minimal additions since then as I’m waiting… waiting for ever-changing variables until it feels right.
Thank you for sharing this, and for the accountability group. It has given me the time and space to work on some more complex edits, and to explore other writing projects that have been in the background. I wonder how many authors publish other works in the meantime while they are waiting for the right time for their more sensitive manuscript?
Good question. I'm definitely going to turn my attention to another book to get something published between now and five years. And I'm so glad you're in the group, Katie. It's been great to see you there, and to meet you in B'ham!
It took about twenty years for me to start writing my memoir, set in 1989 and 1990. It took another ten to really get serious writing it. Honeymoon at Sea was published in 2023 and I'm so proud of it; the reception has been lovely and affirming. The proof is in the pudding, is what I'm saying. Write on Brooke!
Thank you, Jennifer. Love stories like yours and they keep me on track, knowing I will get there, in time. :)
You've guided and encouraged so many writers. So glad to be able to give one iota of that support back to you!
Wow Brooke, this just hit me to the core!! As you know, it has took me close to 17 years to begin writing about being assaulted and raped by a stranger in the middle of the day on a city street. I have been writing for about 18 months as the health ramifications of getting it all on paper has been nonstop. When I tell people close to me I am writing about the "incident," the first thing they ask is, "What about your daughter? I thought she didn't know about it?" My daughter was born two years after the rape. My husband and I decided there was no reason for her to know what happened that day. It would be too traumatizing. With that said, like you Brooke, I am not sure my child will ever want to read "Mom's boring book," but she may have friends that will. Even with that, we knew that by the time I finished it and somehow got it published, she would probably by out of college and starting her own life. At that point, possibly able to handle the news.
The reason for my comment today is that, ironically, after keeping the story hidden from her for 16 years, while I was vacuuming her room last weekend, I discovered a folded up piece of paper that said "Questions for Mom". Specific questions asking "Was she raped?" "Was she dragged into a garage and beaten?" "Why has she not told me this? "Why is she lying to me?" Is this why she hates violent movies?" "Who else knows?" and many more.... (BTW- we think she found my mind map I made last fall for the memoir class. )
I was devastated and have been ever since finding the paper. My husband and I have been talking about what to do every night this week. I even had an emergency session with my therapist. Needless to say, I have yet to talk to her about it. My relationship with my daughter has always been free of the knowledge and trauma of that day. By telling her, that separation no longer exists. No matter what I say and how I say it to her, our relationship will be changed forever. I am hoping it will be stronger than it already is. Surprisingly, she has been connected to my by the hip for the last few weeks. Now I know why.
I can go on and on about what I should do and what I will do but in the end, protecting my child comes first. When I do talk with her - and yes, I know I cannot put it off any longer - I will give her the rated G version. This unplanned revelation by her has led me to reconsider how I want to write my memoir. I am not sure how it will change but I know I must still share my story but not at the expensive of my daughter.
Ok, I am suppose to be writing in your accountability class right now so I will stop there. Thank you again for your post. It really makes me realize I am not alone with the fear of how our stories will impact our young adult children.
Wow, Amy. This is a big thing you're going through—the living of the journey of your story now that I'm talking about. I wish you the very best with all that's unfolding, and I hope that you will be able to have the best conversation with her and the best outcome for both of you. Maybe whatever comes of it will get woven into your story. Sending you strength and love. And yes, your comment counts as writing! Lol. :)
I’ve grappled with the feeling of procrastination. The world tells us we’re procrastinating, but truly the muse in us knows about the timing of creative process. If I would have finished my memoir years earlier I do not think it would’ve have been as empowering. I needed to sift through some of my own struggles for the story to land. I’m finally working on a structure that feels softer, more palatable and easier to digest through some of the trauma. All to say- go gentle with yourself. You’ll tell your story and your son and his future loves will be ready.
Thank you for your share. Nice to hear we are all on a similar, and different path.
Indeed, and thank you, Jeneane.
Brooke, thank you so much for sharing this memoir journey you're on. I had no idea you too were struggling with when and how much to put out into the world. After ten years of writing it, I finally finished my memoir about my complicated marriage to the husband I adored who sadly died 14 years ago. I started writing it as a way of processing grief, but what eventually emerged on the page was the dark side of our sexual conflicts, and my anger about it. When I shared my rough draft with a few people who knew us, some said, "Why would you want to expose this?" and they felt some loyalty to him and desire to protect him. We loved each other dearly, and yet in some ways his imposing his desires on me was damaging to me. It's only now that I've gotten up the courage to send it out into the world, in hopes that as I take responsibility for my own role in our conflicts, and my shame for not standing up more bravely to him, some other women may find it resonates with them---how much we're still trained to please, how hard we find it to disappoint someone we love, and how hidden ideas we have about our bodies still plague us. I am hoping that the value of putting that out into the world outweighs how people might judge him or me, but I do so with trepidation. Thank you so much for sharing your own journey with this, and for agreeing to publish my book! xoxo
I think the value of what you're doing will absolutely outweigh what people think. Those naysayers often land more heavily, more loudly. We have to listen for the voices and reactions of those our stories serve. Hope to help you do that, Bonnie!
Thank you so much. You are a blessing in my life!
Thank you for this post, Brooke. I think two competing forces that are relevant to any genre of writing, but especially memoir, are the need for patience and the need to move forward. I struggle with patience more than the need to move forward (I actually just wrote about this last week), but I can also see how, as I near completion of my project, it becomes easier to contrive reasons to slow down. A part of this is my fear of failure. I care deeply about my story (as I’m sure any memoirist does), and I know I’ll only get one shot at querying and I don’t want to mess that up. If I’m being honest, an additional reason is the fact that I’m still very much in contact with one of the people I write about in my memoir, my father, and I fear reprisal if I write about choices he’s made that have irrevocably altered my life. Ironically, my continuing to write is a byproduct of the hope I have that he’s changed and my active practice of forgiveness. Sadly, I do sense that there will be consequences to our relationship if I should be so lucky to publish my work. One way I’ve worked on mitigating this is by getting more training (I’m a therapist and have started, in the course of revising my book, to work toward specific trauma certifications centered on the abuse I experienced). I have also focused on honing my craft as I have spent the majority of my life healing from multiple traumas, and what I want to be known for isn’t what I went through, but instead, how I moved forward (developing myself as a therapist and writer is part of that). I don’t think there are easy answers. I am an adoptee myself, have met and asked Susan about this specific issue — and was pleased to hear her address it on the podcast. This is just to say that I think what you’re talking about is, of course, incredibly complicated, especially for those of us memoirists with trauma.
Thanks for this beautiful response. There's so much here, and you're right—there aren't easy answers. My trauma is second-hand, but it's very much a family story that impacts me, my ex, my son, and I grapple with all of that, as I hear you saying you do too. I have heard lots of people share that it's worth it, and I know people who've said it's not. So all we can do is walk it and listen to ourselves. Thanks for being on the journey with me.
I'm glad that more and better writing is coming out about trauma (first and secondhand). At the same time, I get frustrated that there isn't more support in publishing for people like me who find themselves trying to enter the literary world with their story and no MFA or background in writing. Glad to be grappling with you on these questions. As a clinical social worker, the place I go is, who are we not hearing from as a result of the complexities that writing a memoir entails.
Yes, much more is coming out. I'm not sure the publishing industry is a support on this front per se, but perhaps it's enough that publishers exist as the mechanisms to get the stories out—and we writers do the work of supporting others by telling our own stories. This is one of the ways I see it, anyway.
I think this one might be my favorite piece of your writing. You are a large entity in this writing/publishing/memoir world but you are still just one of us. Your vulnerability helps me/us realize that all my/our hopes/fears/dreams/obstacles doesn't take away from our legitimacy. In fact it actually makes us what we all want to be able to call ourselves: writer's.
Thank you, Christy. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
I've been working on my memoir for four and a half years. After years of multiple writing and feedback workshops, writing groups and craft classes, I found a great book coach last year and felt like I was finally rounding the curve towards completion and an agent proposal. Then, in the fall of 2023, my mom's health began a rapid, steady decline and I found myself unable to continue working on my memoir as I became her caretaker. She passed away three months ago, and everything I write, especially the parts about our relationship, is painted with the colors of this new version of myself. I was never worried what Mom would have thought of my book; she was proud of me and encouraged all of my artistic endeavors since I was young. Knowing she will never read it carries its own sadness, but is also a reminder that time waits for no one. I've been grateful for your accountability group because its helped me continue to work towards my memior's completion, raw emotions be damned!! Sometimes its just too hard, and so I back off and go for a walk or whatever. Take my time and cook a nice dinner for my family. But mostly I just feel Mom with me, holding my hand and pushing me through the hard stuff.
Thank you for this, Christa. I can see this both-sides piece, and I'm so happy to have you in the group. Love your presence there, and I'm happy to know more of your journey.
Sorry about losing your mom. 🙏 Been there, too. That can really change our perspective. She'll be with you and all of this will continue to shape your story. Rooting for you!
I feel all of this. My memoir is about my long-fractured family + my efforts (and misbeliefs) to bring it back together. Everyone is still alive. As I forge my way through a draft, I have no idea what their response will be. I've decided to keep going. Thanks for putting this one out on the laundry line, Brooke.
Yes to keeping going... We can evaluate every step of the way. Good luck and yes, we gotta keep writing, no matter what.