Writing Is Self-Care

A missive for writers who will be "resting" and "relaxing" with their words this holiday season

If you’re a prolific writer, a busy human, a person who juggles a lot of balls, even a workaholic, you’ve likely been on the receiving end of well-meaning comments from others. They hope you’ll rest this holiday season. They hope you’ll get offline. They hope you won’t work so hard.

Before I get too much farther into this post, I pose a theory and a question. My theory is that these kinds of sentiments are largely reserved for women. My question is to my male readers: How often are you on the receiving end of other people’s hopes for your rest and relaxation? (I’m genuinely curious, so this is not a rhetorical question.)

I’m not wanting to shame anyone with this post because you might be a person who’s recently suggested to a woman in your life that she get some R&R, that she take care of herself, that she get some downtime. It’s the culturally appropriate default of women saying “I’m sorry” for literally anything: standing in someone’s way; reaching for something at the same time as another person; having a strong opinion; fill in the blank for whatever occasion elicits an apology from you today. Point being, it’s time to course-correct our language.

Popular culture is selling this idea of rest—R&R, self-care, wellness—to women. There’s a multibillion-dollar industry geared to women in their prime. Basically, moms who are also working women and yes, they still have you on the hook even into your later years. If you’re not familiar with this industry, just pop over to Goop and browse their best-selling products: GOOPGLOW for $125; Gwynth’s Everything Shower Kit for $154; or, the Why Am I So Effing Tired? supplement pack for $36. It’s the commodification of rest and self-care.  

I know I’m not the only person who bucks when others suggest I take downtime, that I relax, that I rest. And that’s because resting, in the way it’s defined by our culture with all its implications that we slow down (in the midst of our super-busy days), has the effect of making me more anxious. Part of the internal protest I feel around such well-intentioned directives to unwind stems from the fact that the work I do, and especially my creative endeavors, is way more relaxing to me than other parts of my life. I am not ever relaxing as a busy mom driving my now-teenage son around and tending to all the things moms tend to. When my dad was sick, the only real downtime I could find was when I was lost in my own words. I’m not relaxed during the holiday season checking items off my to-do list and rushing around like a madwoman. The resting I’m doing is right now, sitting here at my computer, expressing myself and being engaged in my thoughts—this is my definition of R&R. Writing is a cornerstone of my self-care routine.

For a good Christmas Eve listen, check out this September episode from The Ezra Klein Show, “Boundaries, Burnout, and the Goopification of Self-Care,” with Tressie McMillan Cottom in conversation with Pooja Lakshmin, author of Real Self-Care.

This show resonated with me in all the ways. Lakshmin suggests it’s subversive to think about self-care as the decisions we make for ourselves. That self-care is not meditating every day or going for a walk, but rather asking yourself the question: What do you need? What fuels you? These questions are uniquely important for women (especially moms) because we spend the majority our time thinking about others, and on the occasions we do think about ourselves, we typically feel selfish. We make decisions based on what’s best for our families, our kids. This is appropriate, but suffice it to say, it’s a female orientation not evenly shared with our male counterparts.

In her book and in the above-mentioned interview, Pooja Lakshmin writes and talks about eudaemonic well-being, a life built on meaning and purpose. She says this happens “when you understand that your activities and your relationships and how you spend your time and energy is aligned with what is most important to you, i.e. your values.”

The other day on social media I asked, “What's the best writing gift you've ever received?” A friend and local Bay Area writer I’ve known forever, Susan Kiyo Ito, author of the newly released memoir, I Would Meet You Anywhere, had the best response: “A residency, or time and opportunity to do a DIY.”

Right now, it’s Christmas Eve morning, and I’m sitting next to my partner on the couch. We’re sipping our coffees and she’s giving me the gift of space to write. She’s not making me feel like I’m working. She’s not suggesting I’m working too hard. In the honoring that is this value of mine—to write these weekly posts—she’s giving me the great gift of feeling understood and seen. And yes, I’ll be writing more today and tomorrow and during these two weeks “off.” My relaxation will be on my terms.

I wonder how many of you find your rest and relaxation in the realm of your words, your creativity, and your work. Share with me. And I’d love to hear if, like me, you’ll be resting and relaxing into your writing this holiday season.